The Day I Learnt to Love Myself
[ Regarding this picture: https://www.instagram.com/p/BUsSc8zBxR7/?taken-by=92matchahairedjun ]
Well, I don't usually open up my heart but when I do, I really do it.
I've never posted a picture like this before, basically because I don't feel any need, everyone runs their own IG account as they want. So, you might be wondering the reason behind.
I usually say that one of the things that made me fall in love with Berlin is the open-minded society that lives here, I felt instantly accepted from the very first time I came.
I write this down because I've realized how strong is this reality; I've learnt more about empowerment, cis-gender and equality human movements/organizations within a couple of weeks than in my whole life, thanks to a great classmate that came to me asking whether we could make an assignment together.
In this process, we discovered how much we actually have in common, and I had to be honest with her: I feel ignorant about some of these topics, because most of the information that she was giving me is rarely part of a “normal” a conversation in Spain. And obviously it's not explained openly unless you dive into the internet by yourself.
I see that people are not afraid to be themselves here, and they're not criticized by others, which is simply awesome.
I'll let you know something: you might say by this picture “Oh, she's skinny. Oh, she's beautiful. Wow, she's hot”.
Yeah, I am and I know it (please, get rid of that stupid social convention that claims that we must pretend not being aware of our own beauty whenever we receive any flattery. We all have mirrors). But the path until I reached this point was tough.
Yes, I'm tiny and skinny and this has been my body constitution since I was born. I was pretty good at sports and I've spent most of my life practicing and attending to competitions.
Until I became a teenager and all that changed, like everything around me, and I stopped doing the things I used to love (mainly sports and art) to fight a personal battle against the world; I was furious and I started to feel anxiety. I ate massively to the point of being overweight (62kg for 1.55m) and I got into an everlasting circle where I hated my body but I couldn't stop eating, in an useless attempt to feel better.
If I only had had a person empowering me to love myself like I see nowadays around me...
Instead, I received daily attacks, “jokes” and messages telling me how chubby I had become and how better I was the year before, that I should stop eating to look better and “like to others” (something that I always gave a shit about it).
Fuck that shit, I don't want anybody to feel that, seriously.
It was like this for nearly 5 years until I moved to my father's flat (I was 19 ish), who was almost vegan at that time.
He taught me how to eat healthy and listen carefully to my body, and I rapidly began to feel the effects of changing feeding habits (never diets).
I find out how bad was meat and pork to me, and that I had reduced a lot the amount of food because I felt satiated. I lost 4 kg in 3 months (I was around 1.60m by then) and my mother was so alarmed that would force me to do blood tests monthly.
Surprisingly, it was better than ever. I used to have lack of vitamins and iron and now everything was perfectly balanced.
I happily started the university with 51kg, feeling much better with myself, although I still had (and have) the traces of being overweight, my thighs were the main wisdom of my teenage days.
I started to care less, though.
And then, a pile of things happened and this situation turned to the opposite side.
When I approached the second year of the uni, the stress and the anxiety came back, I spent 9 months of pain due to a wisdom tooth, I was overmedicated (painkiller + contraceptive pills) and I overcame a breast surgery.
All this forced me to eat much less and slower, and deal with daily stomach aches, which provoked a dramatically loss of weight: from 51 to 43kg.
My adolescence popped out in my mind, and I remembered that I hated myself for being overweight, but now I hated myself for being a living skeleton.
I freaked out because all the people who had told me how bad I looked when I was chubby, thought that I looked incredibly beautiful now, when I actually felt like a monster and didn't like myself at all. I barely have pictures of both times, I felt sick and horrible every time I would look at myself in a mirror. I couldn't understand why society found (and finds) beauty in sickness.
When all the storm was gone and my holidays begun that year, I focused on learning how to eat properly again, spending 2 months ish increasing the amount of food, little by little, until I reached my ideal balance (47-48kg) and my body became stagnant.
This is my current weight and I feel great about it, not for being skinny but healthy. I feel agile, light and full of energy; and I practice a bit of sports everyday because I got used to the great feeling of being fit.
I learnt some things throughout the years:
- The best look I can have is the one based on how good I feel inside
promised myself that I'd never ever judge anyone based on their
weight after my my experience. I try to be as respectful as I can
and I'm especially careful with this topic
So yes, I experienced over- and under- weight, I know what does it feel like and how hard is loving oneself.
I'm not any sorry for the extremely long post, I think every word is worth it.
Thank you lots if you've read the full text.
I'm currently working on some amazing projects.
I hope I can spread these messages among the youngest ones, encouraging them to be like Punky Brewster (my heroine during my childhood): “I'm not sure what I want to be as an adult, all I know is that I want to be myself”.